


i couldn't if i tried (but for you i will anyway)

by fuscience



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 00:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2753393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuscience/pseuds/fuscience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And it's not the in the grand, death defying gestures that Laura falls in love (although they certainly get the ball rolling).</p>
            </blockquote>





	i couldn't if i tried (but for you i will anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I watched the entire series last night instead of studying for my finals and wrote this today while I also should have been studying for another final. I regret nothing. This is my first Carmilla work so I hopefully did the series justice!

 

It's a Wednesday.

  
"Ugh. How can you look so annoyed," Laura makes a wild gesture towards her while moving erratically around the room "when your face doesn't even change?"

 

"Well-cultured talent, cupcake." Carmilla replies dryly, picking at her cuticles absently, relaxing against the head of her bed. The smaller half of their twosome is scrambling around the room, dodging leftover garbage, trying to find a textbook for her next class that starts in - she looks down at her watch - ten minutes.

 

“Do you even go to classes?” It’s  a pertinent question, because despite the line of study buddies, Carmilla sleeps until the early evening and doesn’t appear to do any homework. Ever. It’s a point of jealousy for Laura who is still trying to recover her grades from earlier in the semester. You know - when a cult of vampires were attempting to murder her and others in order to complete a ritual sacrifice to an ancient ball of light papers on the comparison of 16th century morals in the written word versus reflection in everyday life don't really take precedence.

 

Her roommate raises one thin eyebrow, “My mother, the dean, enrolled me here to lure and kidnap sacrificial girls - classes were not her priority,” She pauses and curls her lip in a mocking smile. “and neither are they mine.”

 

Laura’s face goes carefully bland, as she picks up the book she was searching for. It had been hidden under a black bra with lace edging the cups and she willfully chooses to not linger on the piece of clothing. “That makes sense, I bet you’ve been to college a hundred times.”

 

“Only six. Women rarely attended university until the 19th century, at which point in time I was trapped inside a box underneath the streets of Stalingrad. Quite a feast when I woke up though. Thank god for human nature and it's tendency toward conflict.”

 

Laura frowns and the disregard for humanity should bother her more - it's scary how quickly she's become desensitized to Carmilla. It’s the first time though that Carmilla has mentioned her entrapment since Laura had tied her to a chair with rope and garlic, mistrust and hope lacing their words. Laura doesn’t miss the way her face closes off, the biting humor that creates a barrier of non-discussion between them.

 

“Did it hurt?” Her voice is quiet and inquiring, but not demanding. “Being under there for so long.”

 

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

"Cat." Dany says as she walks in, taking one look at how Carmilla lays in Laura's lap, arms wrapped possessively around the small human girl, before pausing and making that twisting face of half disapproval and half utter mirth. Laura thinks it was that second half, the constant good-nature, that drew her to the T.A. which is funny considering she's currently running her fingers through the hair of a 300-year old vampire who has trouble with any emotion outside the spectrum of sarcastic to sardonic.

 

Yeah. This is her life now.

 

Carmilla moves briefly enough to bristle at the new presence, before sinking weakly back into the covers, and Laura raises her eyebrows, sharing a look with Danny while valiantly trying to fight off the urge to laugh. Cat indeed. The hackles practically rise on Carmilla's back whenever Danny gets too close and Laura would find it flattering if she knew it didn’t stem as much from the other girl’s affection for her as it did Carmilla’s dislike of Danny ( _what she doesn’t understand is that the dislike stems from jealousy and the jealousy stems from Carmilla’s affection from her - Laura is the only one who doesn’t see it, at least not completely._ )

 

The grip on her waist tightens and Laura glances down to where the bundle of tired vamp has burrowed further into her lap, before returning her attention to the tall girl standing in the doorway.

 

"Hey Danny." There's a disgruntled noise when Laura's fingers stall so she can wave a greeting. "What's up?"

 

Danny shifts uncomfortably and Laura's reminded of the new dynamic they have after the argument three weeks ago, after Carmilla. It's not bad. Just different and they're still figuring out how to be friends when they don't always agree anymore - but that's part of friendship Laura asserts to herself. "I... Noticed you weren't in class today and wanted to see if you needed the notes?"

 

"Yes!" She jumps at the opportunity, startling Carmilla in her lap, and can feel the seething ball of energy lying on her become angrier. "This one got sick so, I spent most of the day here."

 

"Is that even possible?" Danny looks befuddled, "Can vampires get sick?"

 

"Apparently. If they get bad blood." Danny tilts her head, a questioning smile on her face. "LaFontaine may or may not have gotten the most recent bags of blood from a  CDC testing center. "

 

“Fucking should have gotten it myself.”  Carmilla mumbles, nearly inaudible.

 

"How did they even _get in there_?" Danny questions, ignoring the creature in bed..

 

"One of the many mysteries of Silas. Or LaFontaine as the case may be." Laura responds brightly.

 

Shaking her head, the redhead pulls her backpack over her shoulder and digs out a notebook. "Anyway. Just wanted to stop by. Here's the notes." She places it on Laura's dresser. "Give me a call if anything doesn't make sense."

 

"Will do! Thanks."

 

With a gentle wave, Danny sweeps out of the room as quickly as she came. Laura pauses for a moment, fingers still running through Carmilla’s hair, untangling and smoothing, before she moves the girl fully onto the bed. There’s a groan and Laura bites her lip, crossing the room to retrieve the notebook and then proceeding to the bathroom to wet a washcloth - the fever had yet to break and neither of them knew how that would affect Carmilla’s physiology ( _“Fucking new age diseases. Humans can’t settle for dying out every couple hundred years from a plague- no, they have to go make fucking vaccines and medicines and superbugs.”_ ) When Laura returns Carmilla is on her side, facing the wall and their is a strong urge to roll her eyes - it’s a frequent impulse whenever they’re together (which is like 95-90% of the day if Laura’s being completely honest). She crawls into Carmilla’s bed and reaches around to place the washcloth against the ailing vampire’s forehead, before laying back down on her back, arm pressed into Carmilla’s back.

 

"I didn't ask you to stay. You could've gone to class." It’s a desperate whisper and there’s something in it that shouldn’t be there. Sometimes, Laura wonders if anyone had ever stayed for Carmilla, if anyone had ever come back for her. She turns on her side and wraps her arms tentatively around Carmilla's stiff back.

 

"Yeah. I could have." And it’s not an admission of anything, it’s just the truth.

 

The muscles in her monster's back loosen and uncoil in her embrace, and Laura falls asleep to a nonexistent heartbeat.

 

* * *

 

"You kind of nearly died for me and that's kind of a big deal and I kind of think we should talk about it. I mean I know you did it for yourself too, but you saved me, and then I thought you died" The words come out faster than she meant them to and get quieter as she speak. They are nothing like the speech Laura had prepared. That had gone mostly along the lines of:

 

_Carmilla. Dying for someone is a big deal. It frequently indicates feelings for that person and I think we should discuss exactly what those feelings are and to what extent these feelings exist in both of us. Communication is the key to being good roommates and it’s important we know if one of us wants to jump the other’s bones._

 

Maybe not that last part.

 

Carmilla freezes from her position on the bed, nose still buried in some obscure tome JP had found for her.

 

"So yeah. Talking. I know it isn't your specialty but I think - I think we should do it." Laura finishes lamely.

 

She drops the book in her lap and stands up, walking purposefully over until she's toe to toe with the shorter girl. Laura looks up nervously, peering through her eyelashes and sucking in her bottom lip in.

 

"You're right." Well, that's a surprise. "It's not my strong suit." Carmilla shifts into a giant cat, bowling past Laura and leaping through the doorway.

 

* * *

 

"Soooo, sightings of a giant black cat across campus yesterday evening?" La Fontaine shakes their head curiously, looking between the roommates from where they're perched on Laura’s bed, and Perry pokes her head in from the hallway, always a step behind her more adventurous friend. "What's up with that?"

 

Laura's lips turn down, almost pouting, and she points at Carmila, who is so obviously ignoring them she should get an award. "All _I_ wanted to do was talk." Carmilla laughs carefully from where she's attempting to balance a third pencil on her nose.

 

"Well all _I_ wanted to do was _not_ talk."

 

Laura silently fumes and a triumphant smirk overtakes the other girls lips as the third pencil is successfully balanced.

 

"So you turned into a cat and ran away? To avoid a conversation?" La Fontaine's voice goes oddly awe-struck, "That is some deeply, wild emotional stagnation you have going on there."

 

Camilla shrugs and reaches for a pen causing Laura screeches in frustration at the blithe dismissal, grabbing her laptop and storming out of the room, although not before knocking all the pencils off Carmilla's nose.

 

"Those are mine!" She turns at the doorway and hisses, "And they are for writing!"

 

The resident vampire sighs deeply as they listen to the heavy footfalls trail away down the hallway. She gets up, stretching for a moment, before  going to follow, slowly edging out past the two dorm leaders.

 

"Where are you going?" Perry chirps out nervously, hands resting protectively on her hips. Nothing got the Don going faster than an upset friend.

 

"To _talk_. Apparently." Carmilla’s nose scrunches in disgust, but the girl continues to saunter off in the direction Laura exited.

 

"Man this school is so weird." Fontaine runs a hand through their short hair, before pumping an excited fist. "I love it so much."

 

* * *

 

"You nearly died."

 

"I know."

 

"Because of me."

 

"Not really."

 

“For me.”

 

“I would have.”

 

"Okay."

 

Laura draws Carmilla’s head down slowly, hands braced against the other girl’s pale, cold cheeks, making sure to give her a chance to pull away, and then their lips slant together, _hard and furious and every time Carmilla dreams of that first kiss this is the feeling she remembers and she never thought she'd experience it again_. Laura pulling every nonexistent breath from her lungs until Carmilla is overwhelmed and grabbing her and tugging her forward, moving into any space that’s available. Anything to hold onto her for a moment longer. Her hands come up to grip Laura’s waist and she lets one hand wander up the back of Laura’s tanktop and the other round itself about her hip.

 

When they finish Carmilla’s panting and that's not right because she doesn't even need to breath - she could die and not be out of breath. ( _Laura makes her feel alive and maybe that's why her tongue swells in her throat and her heart skips a beat and, oh god, she hasn't hurt like this since Elle_.)

 

"That's how you talk?"

 

"Shut up."

 

"We should talk more often."

 

"Seriously. Shut up."

 

\------------

 

"Those things are going to kill you." Carmilla looks pointedly at the stacks of cookies and snack cakes that pile atop her desk, right next to a mug of tea.

 

"Mmmm." She hums in response, "Somehow I'm not too worried. Probably the multitude of supernatural creatures living within a two mile radius of my bed waiting to eat me."

 

There's this look that flickers over Carmilla's face, blank and coarse, and Laura almost wants to take back the flippancy at which she spoke of her death, but then the edges of Carmilla's lips soften and her eyes darken.

 

"Don't worry. There's only one of us who gets the pleasure of eating you."

 

Laura swallows heavily and heat crawls down the back of her neck, settling low and hard in her belly.

 

* * *

 

"Eat." A pre-made salad is thrown onto her desk, scattering pencils and knocking a sleeve of thin mints off the desk.

 

"Wha-?" Laura stumbles over her words, drawn out of a particularly difficult passage from her Intro to French class. She reaches for the packaged bowl and lifts it up tenderly, unsure. "What is this?"

 

"A salad. Vegetables? Protein? Fruit? Things normal humans need to survive. Eat it." The words are said much harsher than they need to be, as if each one personally offended Carmilla.

 

"Were you - are you worried about me?" Laura asks earnestly, voice filled with eagerness and Carmilla wants to groan at her grin. God Laura's so - so - _so human_.

 

"Eat." She bites out instead, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.

 

Laura smiles happily, like she knows some secret that no one else is privy to ( _as if most of campus  isn't aware that Carmilla is half-in love with her roommate_ ). She peels off the plastic wrap and tosses a green apple slice in her mouth. Still smiling, she says, "I need a fork."

 

There's rustling behind her and a plastic one gets thrown at her head.

 

* * *

 

The door is flung open, recoiling against the old brick wall and is left hanging much less securely on its hinges then it was 10 seconds ago.

 

"Where the hell is she?" There's no force behind the words, but the cracks in the door frame make Danny think there's heat to them anyway.

 

Carmilla stands, arms crossed in the entryway and Danny’s eyes flick from side to side in confusion. A stain of red blisters on the side of Carmilla's cheek, the sunlight burning it's way through her skin as she had traveled over from her building.

 

"Uh. Who?"

 

There's a pause and if Danny didn't know any better she would say the vampire is embarrassed, but she does, "Laura." and Carmilla's feelings for Laura are the worst kept secret on campus, with the centuries old girl not doing much to hide them.

 

"I have no idea." And she doesn’t, hadn’t seen Laura since class yesterday morning. There’s a pervasive awkward silence in the room and Danny realizes Carmilla’s quest hadn’t extended far beyond her appearance here. “But I can call La Fontaine - she might know.”

 

A jerky nod. “Please.”

 

So, Danny does.

 

She calls La Fontaine who talks to Perry who accidentally loops Danny back into the search who sends a Zeta bro emergency text to Kirsch who immediately responds that the Zeta bros are on it.

 

 _Brotastic._ Carmilla thinks.

 

But there's still no sign of Laura and Carmilla's mind goes to darker places, where they don't live in a world absent of her mother, where the college is no longer safe, where she drowns and drowns and drowns choking on blood she can't drink.

 

"Yo."The ginger beast is standing before her, a group of Zeta bros gathering behind her high-fiving and smiling and Carmilla’s not sure how much time has passed or when she moved into the center of the room. "They found her."

 

The darkness recedes and the tension drains. "Where?" Her voice sounds horribly wrecked

 

"Fell asleep in the library apparently. JP sent a message to La Fontaine who told Kirsch who went and got her."

 

"Ah." Carmilla still stands in the private dorm, watching Danny quirk an eyebrow at her. "I'll be going then."

 

She pauses at the doorway and takes a deep breath.

 

"Thank you."

 

When she gets back Laura is brushing her teeth and hollers a greeting from the bathroom. Carmilla grunts in response and makes her way over to her side of the dorm, pulling back the covers. It’s barely two p.m. and Carmilla’s not used to being up this early.

 

Laura exits the bathroom and it's hard to be mad when she looks so tired, the dark circles under her eyes from months of unrest.

 

"That looks like a good idea. Napping sounds good. So, so good." Her words are slurred with sleep, not quite over her impromptu library escape.

 

Carmilla pauses for only a second before lifting the covers again and inviting the other girl in and Laura hesitates for only a moment before joining, burying her head in the junction where Carmilla's neck and shoulder meet. The vampire smells of cinnamon and pine and Laura takes a deep breath.

 

"Sorry I scared you." There's a sputtering noise and Laura feels the heart beneath her palm jump

 

"You didn't scare me." There's a poignant silence and Laura's other hand traces the fading red mark on the side of Carmilla’s cheek knowingly. "Maybe a little."

 

Carmilla feels lips brush wordlessly against the side of her neck and she wonders if it was on purpose. They press against her pulse point and she _knows_ it's on purpose.

 

* * *

 

Carmilla bites her nails. It's not extreme, but every once in a while her fingers will find their way near the edges of her teeth and there will be a pulling of skin and shearing of keratin, until capillaries break and red stains pale, pale skin.

 

Laura's late getting back to the dorm one night - study group with JP, Kirsch and a few others from the English Lit class (they had moved from Scandinavian texts on to classical English novels. In other words, Shakespeare. A Midsummer’s Night Dream to be exact and there's a lesson there about enchantment and the supernatural and the dangers of entanglement, but Laura chooses to ignore it.)

 

She unlocks the door quietly, habit despite her roommates nocturnal lifestyle. Carmilla's pacing though, and turns suddenly when the door creaks open, springing on her as soon as she steps inside. The darker-haired girl doesn't say anything though and just looks at her, jaw working back and forth in tight-lipped frustration.

 

"Study group ran late." Laura assures.It’s strange, but Carmilla has always hid her concern and a part of her appreciates it - heart still tender from a lifetime of being told she needs to work and work and work in order to handle herself.

 

Carmilla’s hands clench and unclench before she raises one delicate fist to her mouth, chewing on her thumb. Carmilla has nice hands. Long, thin fingers that Laura always noticed when the other girl would drum away on the spine of a book, waiting  patiently for someone to pay attention to her.

 

After a particularly vicious bite on the edge of her thumb, a line of blood wells up and Carmilla swipes her tongue across the injured skin, attempting to quell the flow. She withdraws slightly and avoids the shorter girl’s quiet gaze, stopping the attack on her nail for a moment. "Okay." Her thumb comes back up, slipping between her lips, but Laura's hand comes up to snatch it - warm heat covering cold skin.

 

She removes the offending appendage from between Carmilla's lips, holding it gently in her hand, and rises up on her toes to place a kiss at the corner of her mouth, before scurrying over to her desk.

 

* * *

 

Laura's a surprisingly good student. Or maybe not so surprisingly - she had indicated several times while hunting vampires that the multitude of incompletes in her gradebook were abnormal

 

But now that Laura's able to focus back on school Carmilla is becoming aware of some of her roommates highly annoying neurosis'. Like listening to top 40 on repeat while she studies, and playing educational podcasts while in the shower, _Oh!_ , and Carmilla’s absolute favorite - the constant stream of nonsensical muttering on test days, and pre test days and… post test days. She should have assumed, for a girl so involved in documenting her life online that Laura liked to talk, but, hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Good news though is that their schedules tend to sink up more often on test weeks as Laura stays up until 5 am studying, sleeps a little, goes to class and then comes back and falls asleep again. Carmilla likes that the yellow pillow spends most it’s days on her bed, likes that her bed is beginning to smell like flowers and vanilla.

 

“Where’s my paper? Carm,I can’t find my paper?” she trips over an empty popcorn box. Whoops. Not so empty. There’s kernels everywhere and, “God, why are you so messy? No wonder I can’t find anything.”

 

Carmilla frowns. She _is_ messy, but there’s a tension to Laura’s voice that says this isn’t about that.

 

“Have you seen my history book? I might have stuck it in there.”

 

“Bathroom”

 

Laura runs over to the bathroom without a door, Will’s little stunt had ruined it and doors just weren’t on the university’s list of priorities at the moment. Another movement and Carmilla watches the smaller girl dart around some more, “It wasn’t there.” Her movements get progressively more and more desperate. She knocks over a stack of books, then pushes aside all her bed covers ( _which is ridiculous because no one has slept under those blankets in over a week_ ). One last lap around the small room and finally, Laura comes to stand at attention in front of her.

 

“Look, can you please get up and help me find this paper? If I don’t turn it in by eight I will have another zero on the books and Dr. Goldstein has given me every extension, but I think he hates me and I don’t think he’ll give me anymore and -

 

“Wait. What’s that sound?” Laura stops mid-panic and quiets, “Oh - _me_. Not. Caring.”

 

Carmilla watches Laura’s face crumple before returning to her book, but then there’s sniffles and a twinge in Carmilla’s chest that feels suspiciously like guilt makes her look up again.

 

“Ugh. Okay, where’s the last place you saw this paper, chipmunk?”

 

It ends up being pinned to the ceiling, neither of them really question how it got there, sharing an understanding nod like _Silas. What are you going to do?_ Carmilla tosses back her head and jumps up to grab it, laying it in Laura’s hand before returning to her bed.

 

Laura grins shyly at the doorway, “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” But Laura’s already half-way down the hallway and Carmilla jumps up, reaching the door before it closes. “I mean it! Literally!”

 

* * *

 

Finals are over, with only a few intermittent disasters, and Laura’s exhausted, like bone-deep, crawl into a hole and never emerge tired. Her bed is made and dusty with misuse and Carmilla isn’t there - out at some party. She stops for a second before going to her own bed, grabbing the pillow from Carmilla’s, and lying down.

 

They're not together, together-together in the sense that they go out like normal couples would do or that either of them has given any vocal affirmation to the position of their relationship. At the same time, though they are together - like all the time. Carmilla and Laura. Laura and Carmilla. If it's not daylight there they are - together and it’s not strange or weird and they don’t really get tired of seeing each other. Frustrated. Exasperated. Annoyed. Sure, but if they ever have a choice of being together versus being apart it’s together every time. And if that all that makes absolutely no sense, Laura will be the first one to admit it.

 

Her eyes struggle to stay open as the epiphany hits and _holy batman, she’s in love with Carmilla._

 

* * *

There’s a shifting in the early morning, movement that Laura ignores because she doesn’t have to be up and sleep beckons her into it’s peaceful darkness like it hasn’t in months. The smell of spice and woods envelops her and she drifts off.

 

Laura wakes up around noon and she's in Carmilla's bed, with the other girl holding her like a security blanket.

 

It’s warm and it’s safe and Laura’s in love.

 

She thinks maybe she'll stay a little longer.

 

* * *

 

 

Carmilla isn't selfless or safe. She isn't anything good, despite the moments of good Laura draws out of her. She is responsible for centuries of cowardice, of years and years of complacency in murder and she knows she is as much the victim as the abuser in her past. So, she isn't good. That much is clear, but sometimes, when Laura Hollis spins in her chair at the tiny desk crammed into the center of a dorm room that isn't Carmilla's - not really - and smiles at her, snorting little laugh escaping between her teeth, Carmilla wants to be. She wants to try.

 

* * *

 

 

"I like you." She blurts out one day, and Carmilla chokes on the diet soda she's currently drinking. Laura waits until the coughing fit subsides. "Probably more than I should considering the psychopathic mother and eternal youth and sucking people's blood and that absolutely wonderful thing you do when you suck the joy out of a room simply by - "

 

"Please. Tell me more about how much you like me?" There's a biting tone to Carmilla's interruption and her eyes narrow into feline-like slits.. Blood rushes to Laura's head and she wishes she had more impulse control because she can't even see the room anymore for the embarrassment that clouds her vision. Tears well up in the corners of her eyes and this is _horrible,_ nothing ever goes as planned when it comes to Carmilla.

 

“I’m sorry. I just - I’m sorry. I really like you and I shouldn’t have said anything and I thought.” She’s closed to frantic sobbing now and a few fat drops escape to roll down her cheeks, “With the kissing and the touching and everything. I - “ Laura cuts herself off before she becomes a bigger fool and looks down at her feet, shuffling away from Carmilla’s side of the room. Hands come out to steady her, latching on to each elbow when she trips over a pile of dirty clothes and, suddenly, Carmilla’s there by her side and it always amazes Laura how much space she takes up for such a small girl.

 

"Hey. Hey, creampuff. I like you too.” and she looks uncomfortable dragging a near blubbering Laura into the bed next to her. “Sorry. I'm not very good at it." The words are all slow and shuttered, as if Carmilla hasn't said them in a very long time and, Laura thinks sadly, _she probably hasn't said them and meant it in centuries._

 

"Yeah?" It's a question and Carmilla shrugs in response, bumping against the smaller girl's side. Laura's shoulders visibly slump at the noncommittal gesture and she moves to rise from the small twin bed.

 

A hand curls around her wrist, with nails bitten down, long and firm and strong, holding her in place.

 

"Yeah." The words sound like home and love and it's all Carmilla has to say, moving her free hand to cup Laura's cheek with far more tenderness than should be possible, thumb rubbing circles against her cheekbone. Carmilla kisses Laura, on the dirty covers of a dorm bedroom, 19 and forever, and they both sink into it.

 

 


End file.
